Keeping up with the Jonesing…a wearable sex tracker for a penis

A Fitbit for a penis.

I’m not joking.

It’s called Lovely (aka the wearable sex tracker), and it’s a project on Indigogo, a crowdfunding site. The goal of the campaign is to reach $95,000 by early July, and then it will be released for  $169. As of Monday night when I wrote this post, 174 people have funded $19, 710 in the past week.

According to the information on the Indigogo page:

Lovely monitors your body movements during sex and sends this data to the Lovely App. The App will suggest you new positions to try next time, show how many calories you burned during sex, what was your top speed and more. 

And no worries…the App will be available for Android and iOS, and will include a “beautiful docking station for your nightstand…” Because, of course, where else would you want to put your Lovely if not into something beautiful?
The page also features picture of the early prototypes, but thankfully it doesn’t detail who determined and how, what the size of the opening for the penis should be…it’s a one size fits all.
A few of my musings and features I find amusing:
1. It’s available in four colors…why? I’m disappointed it doesn’t glow in the dark. One would imagine that would add to the fun of using this little bit of happiness.
2. It will indicate the number of calories burned and provide the context. So, as the site shows, if your fun burned 131 calories, that’s equivalent to fourteen minutes of jogging.  Seriously? That’s not the context I or, dare I say, most women want to know. Tell us if we’ve just burned off the after-dinner tiramisu cake or gelato. Or we could have just had a glass of wine instead, which clearly would not require twenty-six minutes (fun time for 131 calories) to consume.
3. The Lovely also tells the man’s top speed. Duh. Did these people miss the men are microwaves women are crock pot analogy? Hell, if I want speed, I’ll drive on the Autobahn.
4. 832 moves recorded. Dear God. If they’re basing this on the twenty-six minutes, that’s thirty-two moves a minute. What is this, a boot camp workout?
5. This little gadget not only vibrates, it provides personalized tips, ” with more detailed suggestions based on your unique style of lovemaking.” The example shown on their page suggests longer foreplay next time and a position between 68 and 70. Pictures are provided for visual learners, and there’s a database of 120 positions. So, those tips could be deflating if you open the screen and read, “Okay, Sam, you’re pathetic. Look up the definition of the word ‘foreplay.’ It is not a golf term.” Maybe newer models will talk to you during sex with commands like, “slower, faster, no–not there, are you awake?”
6. What I think could be one of the most dangerous aspects of this toy for some men is that it provides a history of previous encounters. Try explaining going sixteen miles per hour on your Lovely when you were supposed to be in your office.
There seems to be a built-in assumption that all of this data reflects a pleasurable sex life. But it’s only measuring the penis activity. Hmmm….
I’m thinking if some people need a sexual activity tracker with eight different features and an app to “enhance” their sex lives, they might want to first take a closer look at who’s wearing the Lovely. Because I don’t think just wearing a Lovely makes you lovely.