Certainly this is intended as a fake. This was allegedly voted unanimously by staff at Maroochydore High School in QLD for use on their telephone answering system.

While I don’t agree with some of the responses, I have to admit there are others that are spot on. Fortunately, I’m blessed this school year with supportive parents and administration. Unfortunately, not all teachers are.

Next week starts exam week. Generally, that will involve several of the following conversations:

Today, I will be head to school for my second day of Professional Development for the new school year. Then, the darlings arrive on Friday. [Warning: enter Wal-Mart at your own risk after 2:45 that afternoon.]

For the past few years, the school year in my parish has started on a Friday. Befuddling, until I realized this allowed families the opportunity to storm stores for school supplies. Parents of students younger than high school age have been roaming school supply aisles for weeks now. In our little chin of the woods (I’d say neck, but we’re just not that substantial), most of the local stores have a bin with copies of supply lists for area schools. But most high school students wait until they meet their teachers before they purchase their supplies because we high school teachers are a bizarre bunch, and we have our own preferences. My supply list seems idiosyncratic, but I promise it’s for reasons they’ll come to understand later.

The PTA at one of the schools my kids attended had a brilliant fundraising idea, and I’m surprised more schools–especially elementary ones–don’t adopt this. They sold pre-packaged supplies by grade levels. The price was comparable to what the supplies would cost in stores, but when you factored in the “no whining, no schlepping around and/or boomeranging around stores to find the supplies, time lost searching for parking space, time spent waiting in line, dinner out because you spent the entire day choosing between the 3-subject and 5-subject…” –no contest. Plus, the first day of school, they placed the supplies in your child’s teacher’s classroom. Even I was willing to forego my fixation with school supply shopping so I could support the PTA.

Now, though, I shop for school supplies…for me.

This post will likely assure my candidacy as founding citizen of the Kingdom of Nerdville, but I’m going to confess I miss shopping for school supplies for my kids. When all five of them were in school, my office closet burped out binders, folders, looseleaf, pens. . .One of our amusing family stories is the day we bought twenty packs of looseleaf (500 pages in a pack) at Office Depot because each pack was only nine cents (um, what happened to the cents sign on the keyboard?). We evenly split between college and wide-rule; for those of us in Nerdville, the absence of one or the other can be paralyzing depending on preference.[After Katrina, we donated what was left. And judging by the bricks of it still in the closet, I wondered how little writing took place over those years of school.]

Pens. Oh, be still my beating heart when I discovered the Pilot G-6 Retractable Gel Ink Rollerball .7mm. Fat body, fine point. [Not me. The pen.] The problem is the pens cost almost $30 a dozen, and they’re hard to find sold individually. I discovered this pen the same way I discover all great pens. My students. The first week of school, I’ll wander around the classroom as they write. They think I’m assessing their focus (which, of course, I am), but I’m actually engaged in the Great Pen Hunt. To their credit, my students are quite generous in allowing me the “scribble test” with their pens, which any pen freak knows is the ultimate test because appearances can be deceiving. And how disappointing when that happens. Like marrying someone beautiful only to discover she’s one sandwich shy of a picnic.

Also crucial is that the finish of the paper and the pen’s point complement one another. Sometimes the paper is porous and using a gel pen is like trying to write on a wet sponge. Sometimes the paper is so satin sheened, the pen scratches across the surface like an etching tool. And if you’ve ever been in a tomb-silent classroom and attempted to concentrate while the kid next to you scribbles furiously, like so many mice skateing across cardboard…it’s deafening. Not having the right pen can be cataclysmic. I’ve lost as many as five minutes of my own precious journaling time searching for THE pen. If I have to coax the pen across the page, my brain grows impatient and my thoughts crash into one another on their output assembly line. If the pen slips across like falling on a banana peel, well, that’s equally infuriating. My thoughts fall out of my brain like marbles down a slide.(I was going to say lemmings off of a cliff, but then I discovered their propensity for suicide is fiction, and in White Wilderness, Disney transported them to a cliff and herded them into the water)

My new find this year is Poly expanding file pockets. Actually, it’s not about the file pockets. I’ve been buying those for years to keep the papers from each class hour organized. The cheap thrill is that, finally, they’re tear-and water-resistant. Now I shouldn’t have to purchase new ones every nine weeks; of course, they cost more, but that’s no surprise.

Some women are wooed by flowers, perfume, candy, jewelry. Me? A twelve-pack of G-6 pens, and I’m yours baby. (Note: Though I wouldn’t turn down the flowers, perfume, etc. as extras).

So, that’s the latest from Nerdville.

Written while wearing my “teacher” hat, I’ve listed several suggestions [in no particular order] for parents of high school students…

1. Some kids think whatever they wear the first day of school will mark them for high school life. Probably not, but unless Princess wants to wear spike heels and a tube top and Prince has chosen drop-butt jeans, allow them this wardrobe decision. Feeling good about themselves that day is important.

2. Students at our high school do not wear uniforms. Pity. The beginning of the school year is B-quadrupled (boobs, butts, and belly buttons). Please be aware of your high school’s dress code, and-not that I would ever question your child’s integrity-you can always check the school/parish/county website online for validation.

Some of the regulations may seem silly to you; I may even agree. I don’t think Larry Low Pants learns more when he’s wearing a belt. Do you know WHY I think this? Glad you asked. Because if Larry Low Pants was actually already interested in learning, he’d already be wearing a belt because he follows instructions and does not want to lose valuable class time sitting in the discipline office waiting for his parental unit to drop off clothes. And notice this isn’t an issue of Larry’s IQ; it’s his I WILL.

One of our rules is that skirts and shorts (for girls) have to be fingertip length. I’m waiting for a few Princesses to undergo elbow-ectomies so they can wear shorts that would fit my three-year-old granddaughter. Seriously, I see these girls bend over. It’s not pretty.

Every year I tell students who don’t like the dress code to stop whining and volunteer to be on the student committee for dress codes and/or run for a Student Council office and effect change. You might want to suggest this if your student is unhappy about clothing regulations.

3. Attend the school Open House. If your student claims to have absolutely no recollection of advance notice of this event, call the school. Get the date. Go. At one time I had five children attending four different schools. Plus, I had to attend my own Open House as teacher. An exhausting school year. I know it’s difficult after a long day at work to drag yourself out and parade through your child’s school schedule or however it’s conducted in your universe. Please do it anyway.

It’s not a night to find out Paul Procrastination’s every quiz grade. It’s an opportunity for you to be in your student’s world, sit in her desk, and look over the classroom and the teachers. I do understand that circumstances may hinder your participation. If they do, let your student’s teacher know that.  When kids and teachers know you care, it makes a difference. Two years ago, I saw two parents the entire night. I taught 130 students.

4. Do you know the eight busiest days for the library copy machine? The day progress reports and report cards are issued. I’m just saying….

5. Schools issue report cards….they are hardly ever lost, issued to the wrong student, delayed because of computer glitches, mailed to the wrong house….I know some of these could happen. But not every grading period, and not always to your student.

6. If your student comes home with tales of woe about his teacher being mean and hateful, refusing to teach, always giving too much homework…smile. Then please call or email the teacher before going over his/her head to administrators.  Are there times when these complaints are valid? I’m sure; every profession has its share of people who did not attend school on career day and, consequently, chose the wrong one. But, again, it’s unlikely that your student was selected for this particular torture, and six of her seven teachers are waiting for their prison guard applications to be approved.

And when you do call or email the teacher, being nice goes a long way. Since email as become a communication tool, I’ve received some of the most vitriolic venom from parents, and usually it’s their first communication with me. They’ve disparaged me as a teacher, as a person, questioned my professionalism, my standards, and my integrity. I’ve been held responsible for a student’s hair falling out from stress, having to go into therapy, and staying awake over 24 hours to finish a project [not all the same student].

If you wouldn’t say it to the teacher personally, don’t say it in an email. And if you want to call the teacher, please attempt to do so during school hours. I’ve had phone calls at 10:30 at night, during supper, and on Saturdays. If we’d mutually agreed on this time, no problem. If not, problem. Also, if the teacher did not distribute his/her personal phone number, do not call another teacher or someone you know who’s friends with the teacher for the phone number.

It’s important for your student, when s/he complains of unfairness, to witness you making an effort to hear both sides. Schedule a conference with the teacher, but be sure to have Sally Sigher sitting there with you. It eliminates he said/she said conferences, and it helps the student understand the concept of problem ownership.

7. The stereotypical after-school conversation:

“Hi, darling. How was school?”

“Okay.”

“What did you do today?”

“Nothin’.”

“Do you have homework?”

[insert mumbling here]

Since I’ve sat on both side of the desk, I’ve had this enthralling conversation with my own children. Don’t be afraid to dig a little. Sometimes they need time to unwind from their school day just like adults unwind from their work day. Maybe the first ten minutes they’re home isn’t prime time for this conversation. But try again later. Ask to see any handouts they received that day, look at what they’re reading in class. Talk about what they’re learning, not as a means of testing them, but as a way to engage them in conversation. What did they hear that day that surprised or annoyed or confused them? Did they laugh that day?

8. Encourage your students to join a club or clubs. Activities aren’t limited to those with athletic ability. Our clubs range from Paint Ball to Archery to Agape to Student Council plus another fifteen or so. Club memberships offer opportunities for students to be involved in school beyond academics. It also provides students chances to meet people they may never see during the course of their regular school day. And having club memberships and office prove important when completing those college applications.

9. Just because Connie Computer spends three to four hours every night “on” the computer, doesn’t necessarily mean she’s completing school work on the computer. More than likely it’s 2.75 hours of IM, and fifteen minutes of homework.  Many of my students spend more time IM-ing one another about the assignment than they spend actually completing it.

Once again, I droned on much more than I’d intended. I have more to share about this, but the night is almost morning.

Do you have any questions?

Note to those of you who subscribe: Sorry about the blooper half-post! Arrived home later than I’d anticipated. Here’s the real thing:

Over a week ago,  I wrote about the necessity of organizing my blog life. Ever-awesome website designer Natalie Jost linked Fictionary, my blog tour/book review/author interview blog, to this site. That smoothed another wrinkle in my needs-to-be-ironed life.

The new line-up will begin Sunday. Like everything else in my life, of course, it’s subject to change. But for now, here’s what it looks like:

Saving Grace Sunday Exploring my relationship as a child of God who sometimes pouts, has temper tantrums, is stuck in the terrible twos, but has the potential for being a truly nice kid.

Maternal Musings Monday Insights and outsights of being a wife of one, mother of five, grandmother of two, sister, aunt, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, and that’s it for now.

Naked Teaching Tuesday This title by popular vote, though I may need to change if salacious spam clogs the blog wheels.  My goal here is to be “transparent” as a teacher, which some days may actually mean being trans (as prefix) parent, but most days sharing teacherly things.

Word Game Wednesday Any of you eleven or so people who read my blog on a regular basis are welcome to send in word games!

Think or Thwim Thursday I have no idea what that means…

Fiction on my Fanny Friday The ongoing saga of Christa in Writer Land seeking publication plus writer musings.

Sashay on Saturday I had to find a way to include sashay!  Lagniappe.

Yesterday  I met one of my BTFF (T is for teacher, of course!) Shelley at school because, even though it doesn’t start until next week, we’re getting ready to get ready. She’s a princess in the Nerd Kingdom. It’s her own fault, really. She’s as excited about pens as I am, and our idea of the edge of nirvana is planning a lesson on writing introductions to essays.

Thursday, though, we met so I could help her paint a wall in her classroom. Notice, WE are painting the walls. I’m not sure how many of you corporate types paint the walls in your office because they’re dingy. We teach in modular classrooms. When you link to the site, you’ll see a picture of one. Our classrooms resembled those pictured for about five weeks and two days.  If you imagine our school as a neighborhood, our classrooms would be considered the low rent/subsidized housing area. The actual brick and mortar building houses the high rent district.  The modulars are supported by concrete blocks and are basically squares with three windows and a door.  “Walls” is a terms we use loosely for the plastic pebbled surface that separates us from the outside.  The faux-walls were originally white. Now they’re just gross.

Shelley used a paint that actually transforms the wall into a chalkboard. Very HGTV. We’ll attack my wall later.

I spent the rest of the morning schlepping across campus to carry empty boxes to my room to pack 150 textbooks. Since only six books fit in a book, you do the math. And don’t underestimate the logistics of a 59″ tall person carrying empty book boxes in 200 degree heat.

After packing all the books, I vacuumed the “carpet” (think thick felt, with a design of sorts) with the vacuum I brought from my house so I could use the hose and suck up the two million staples on the floor and all the little creatures in the corners.

Then, I put up temporary blinds because, otherwise, there’s nothing to cover the windows.

Monday and Tuesday I’m going back to dust, rearrange desks, clean the walls, hang up some artsy/motivational stuff, and pray my computer and printer still work.

Isn’t this how every professional prepares for a new year?