New Year + Old Me = Yet to be Determined

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In 2015, I celebrated:

  • our son’s marriage and gaining a daughter-in-law
  • spending time at the Pulpwood Queens Girlfriends Weekend
  • meeting new writers
  • meeting new readers
  • a weekend with writer friends
  • spending time with my children
  • a contract offer from Amazon
  • my husband recovering from two surgeries (well, make that one…still working on the other one)
  • fun times with old friends
  • Instagramming
  • yoga pants
  • Pero (all natural, coffee substitute)
  • every day I woke up breathing

And you?

Oh, the places we went. . .

Definitely not a portfolio of our 24 years together…just what I happened to have in iPhoto. . .the last photo, our first. and I think only, selfie captures both of us best. We have fun together.20130121-122160_7-DSC_6158IMG_1413 IMG_0132 P1090524 IMG_0066 IMG_1977 20090516-2617_0-DSC00159 DSC_0789 IMG_0128

Pathetic Pick-up Lines

You know those situations where, when they happen you’re too discombobulated to say anything coherent. . .then, a few minutes or maybe an hour later, you slap your own forehead and say, “Damn, why didn’t I say that?”

In the last two months or so, I’ve been in situations where I probably should have first slapped the forehead of the person involved. Looking back, though, that probably wouldn’t have been a wise course of action. But both instances did make me wonder what the hell some men are thinking. . .

The first incident happened when I was on a mission in Walmart. “Mission” defined as a trip not involving aimlessly wandering around the store, lollygagging in the pen and notebook aisle (I know…such a nerd), or allowing people with fewer items to step in front of me in line. Mission means I’m in, I grab what I need, I’m out.

I was on my way to work at the clinic, so I was wearing leggings, a scrub top and my rather beat-up Asics. Generally, what I wear to Walmart is not mention-worthy; however, it does factor into the story. I finally reach my car, which is in an area of the parking lot so far away from the store entrance it probably has a different zip code. Just as I’m placing the last bag in the truck, I spot a car behind mine, seeming as if the driver intends to turn to go down the next lane.

But, no.

I hear, “Excuse me, miss. Can I ask you a question?”

Being ever-polite and hyper-helpful, I answer, “Sure.”

That’s when I note the man driving the car, which itself was likely in great condition about ten years ago, is about five times my size, wearing his hat backwards, and sporting an abundance of gold on his person…including his teeth.

He says, “If I give you my phone number, would you call me? I was following you around the store, but I didn’t want to bother you cuz you looked like you was in a hurry. So, when you left, I just followed you to your car…”

I’m stunned. Like whacked with a baseball bat kind of stunned.

What I said then, “Um…absolutely not.” (and dashed into my car)

What I wish I would have said: “Oh, but yes, I’ll not only call you, I’ll carve your phone number into my hand. Because I’ve been dreaming of the day when a man would be made so breathless seeing me wearing doggie-decorated scrubs and leggings with pulls from cat claws and scruffy shoes that he would stalk me in, not only the store I’m shopping in, but the parking lot. A man sporting ten pounds of gold, who’s not working in the middle of the day and is driving a vehicle in need of first aid is surely a catch. Wait right there while I call my husband, five children and grandkids to tell them not to expect me at Thanksgiving.”

Then, yesterday, I’m schlepping three twelve-packs of Coke Zero into my trunk, when I hear someone talking behind me. I turn around to find two men in a truck have stopped behind my car, and the one in the passenger seat–wearing a goofy grin–says, “You can put Cokes in my trunk anytime.”

What I said then: “Sure, that’s going to happen.”

What I wish I would have said: “You’re an idiot. Is that the best pick-up line you can manage? Of course, it’s the end of the work day, and we’re in a Walgreens parking lot, so it’s probably not the prime time and place for you to be seductive. But the only way I’d ever be putting Cokes in your trunk is if you were an elephant.”

 

Parking lots. Putting bags in my trunk. Dressing frumpy. These three things together seem to be problematic for me.

 

 

 

Keeping up with the Jonesing…a wearable sex tracker for a penis

A Fitbit for a penis.

I’m not joking.

It’s called Lovely (aka the wearable sex tracker), and it’s a project on Indigogo, a crowdfunding site. The goal of the campaign is to reach $95,000 by early July, and then it will be released for  $169. As of Monday night when I wrote this post, 174 people have funded $19, 710 in the past week.

According to the information on the Indigogo page:

Lovely monitors your body movements during sex and sends this data to the Lovely App. The App will suggest you new positions to try next time, show how many calories you burned during sex, what was your top speed and more. 

And no worries…the App will be available for Android and iOS, and will include a “beautiful docking station for your nightstand…” Because, of course, where else would you want to put your Lovely if not into something beautiful?
The page also features picture of the early prototypes, but thankfully it doesn’t detail who determined and how, what the size of the opening for the penis should be…it’s a one size fits all.
A few of my musings and features I find amusing:
1. It’s available in four colors…why? I’m disappointed it doesn’t glow in the dark. One would imagine that would add to the fun of using this little bit of happiness.
2. It will indicate the number of calories burned and provide the context. So, as the site shows, if your fun burned 131 calories, that’s equivalent to fourteen minutes of jogging.  Seriously? That’s not the context I or, dare I say, most women want to know. Tell us if we’ve just burned off the after-dinner tiramisu cake or gelato. Or we could have just had a glass of wine instead, which clearly would not require twenty-six minutes (fun time for 131 calories) to consume.
3. The Lovely also tells the man’s top speed. Duh. Did these people miss the men are microwaves women are crock pot analogy? Hell, if I want speed, I’ll drive on the Autobahn.
4. 832 moves recorded. Dear God. If they’re basing this on the twenty-six minutes, that’s thirty-two moves a minute. What is this, a boot camp workout?
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5. This little gadget not only vibrates, it provides personalized tips, ” with more detailed suggestions based on your unique style of lovemaking.” The example shown on their page suggests longer foreplay next time and a position between 68 and 70. Pictures are provided for visual learners, and there’s a database of 120 positions. So, those tips could be deflating if you open the screen and read, “Okay, Sam, you’re pathetic. Look up the definition of the word ‘foreplay.’ It is not a golf term.” Maybe newer models will talk to you during sex with commands like, “slower, faster, no–not there, are you awake?”
6. What I think could be one of the most dangerous aspects of this toy for some men is that it provides a history of previous encounters. Try explaining going sixteen miles per hour on your Lovely when you were supposed to be in your office.
There seems to be a built-in assumption that all of this data reflects a pleasurable sex life. But it’s only measuring the penis activity. Hmmm….
I’m thinking if some people need a sexual activity tracker with eight different features and an app to “enhance” their sex lives, they might want to first take a closer look at who’s wearing the Lovely. Because I don’t think just wearing a Lovely makes you lovely.

Hush

I love Pablo Neruda’s poetry; it is exquisite. If you go to this link on brain pickings where I found this poem, you can hear it read by Sylvia Boorstein.

“KEEPING QUIET”

by Pablo Neruda
Now we will count to twelve

and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth,

let’s not speak in any language;

let’s stop for one second,

and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment

without rush, without engines;

we would all be together

in a sudden strangeness.
Fisherman in the cold sea

would not harm whales

and the man gathering salt

would look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,

wars with gas, wars with fire,

victories with no survivors,

would put on clean clothes

and walk about with their brothers

in the shade, doing nothing.

 

What I want should not be confused

with total inactivity.

Life is what it is about;

I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded

about keeping our lives moving,

and for once could do nothing,

perhaps a huge silence

might interrupt this sadness

of never understanding ourselves

and of threatening ourselves with death.

Perhaps the earth can teach us

as when everything seems dead

and later proves to be alive.
Now I’ll count up to twelve

and you keep quiet and I will go.

Sex isn’t just in the city, it’s in your make-up bag

Musings on make-up:

1. If you want a neon dunderhead sign to appear above your forehead, walk into Sephora and say the following: “You know that spackle stuff you use to fill in holes when you paint walls? I need something like that for the pores in my nose.”

2. I have a tiny bottle of Advanced Night Repair lotion. The fact that it’s labeled “repair” implies it’s designed to fix something that’s already broken, that being my face. “Advanced” is equally disturbing because it’s not suggesting I’m at the head of the class. And, does the lotion truly know if I’m applying it after the sun sets?

3. As much as I loved the shade, I just could not commit to wearing Orgasm Blush by NARS. I refuse to buy a product that I’m embarrassed to ask for by name. Then there’s the issue of walking around all day wearing something that mimics a post-sex flush.

4. Had I known the name of this product before it was applied to my eyelashes, it would have definitely fallen under the “I can’t buy this because I can’t ask for it” rule. Now I’m doomed because I’m really impressed with everything about it except the name: Better Than Sex Mascara by Too Faced.

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I’m not sure I want to know who at their corporation weighed the options, sex vs. mascara, and decided the winner. It bothers me to think what this might reveal about their sex lives. But what I found intriguing was the “proof” touted on the product insert that attests to its being better than sex. Though none of these were standards I’ve ever been aware were used as qualifiers for good vs. bad sex.

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“Longer lashes”? Maybe if you’re into bondage? And I’m not going anywhere near “base-to-tip curl” or “dramatic volume” for that matter.

So, instead of, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” some women will defer to, “Not tonight, I’ve already used my mascara”?

Can we start moving beauty products out of the bedroom and into the kitchen? I’d buy a case of mascara named “Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch” or a dozen blushes called “red velvet cheesecake.”

 

 

featured image from total beauty.com

Five things that make me scream, “WTH?”

In no particular order:

1. A woman dining at Huck Finn’s Restaurant & Sports Bar in the French Quarter was given a lunch receipt with the “N-” word and “!00% dislike” printed below the item she’d ordered.

Okay…to start, raise your hand if you knew your servers could write messages on the receipts? Not me. Which might be a good thing, especially when we dined out during my years as a teacher. One message I did receive was the word “bitch” neatly printed at the top of a test paper. The next day, I placed the test on an overhead projector (not showing the student’s name, of course…heaven forbid I violate his/her right to privacy). I informed the class that, should anyone want to use this word again in reference to me, it had to be preceded by the words, “Your Royal Highness.” And every word had to be spelled correctly or points would be deducted.

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But back to the matter at hand…Of all the restaurants in the city, this server worked in one that bore the name of a novel that’s been under fire for years for its controversial use of that very word.

2. I’m verklempt that I missed National Pothole Day sponsored by Fix My Streets Nola.  I would have sent photos from my neighborhood where some streets look like black tarred Swiss cheese with holes deep enough to be hot tubs after a hard rain.

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Photo above found at First Draft: ” We begin with one from my yellow blogger buddy Jeffrey who has become a Twitter legend as @skooks. Jeff’s pothole was there from July, 2010 to January, 2015.  This still life dates from March, 2011 and is called Pothole sofa”

3. When he discovered his flight was overbooked, a man at the Charlotte airport did what most reasonable people would do to protest. He stripped naked. And, of course, a waiting passenger took pictures and promptly posted them on Facebook. Because seeing a gray-haired, slightly overweight naked man in handcuffs is what everyone’s been waiting to see on their FB wall.

4. A recent poll by Jetsetter showed that hotel sex is better than sex at home. Assuming they mean couples already in a relationship, married or otherwise, having sex with one another (as opposed to traveling trysts), they needed a poll to make that discovery? Gosh…you think maybe not having to cook dinner, do homework with the kids, monitor bath time to make sure the kids are actually using soap and water, tucking said kids into bed after folding laundry, taking out the dog for the fifteenth time that day so it can smell six thousand blades of grass before peeing for 2.1 seconds..might have something to do with that?

5. An 11-year-old in California just graduated from college. I suppose he’ll have to pursue a doctorate and beyond until he’s old enough to drive himself to work.

Why everyone needs a crap-detector friend

This story starts before Hurricane Katrina. (And, yes, even though it’s been nine years and nine months since the bitch hit New Orleans, it remains—like it does for many New Orleanians—a seminal event in my life…but that’s a post for another day.)

I called Carrie Randolph and asked her to meet me at a local coffee shop because I had something I wanted to show her. She didn’t even ask why or what. She came. Because that’s what friends of your heart and soul do. They know you teeter between sanity and craziness, but they trust and love you anyway.

Carrie taught Spanish at the same school where I taught English. It’s where we met and how we came to be friends. To say Carrie is “just” a teacher would be like saying Barbra Streisand is “just” a singer. I admired, appreciated and respected her for her excellence in the classroom, and for her enthusiasm and passion as a reader. We both breathed books.

Her opinion as a reader mattered to me. It mattered so much that, when we both settled at the table with our coffee that evening, it was as if I slid the pages I’d written across the Red Sea. I trusted that the walls of fear wouldn’t collapse on me, and one way or another, I’d come out on the other side. Watching her read, my heart wrung its hands and my brain paced across the coffee shop. She read often and enough to know if it was crap. I knew she’d tell me the truth.

I don’t remember her exact words when she finished the pages. I do remember, all these years later, that she gave me what I needed to keep writing. And I did. Those first pages eventually grew to my first novel, Walking on Broken Glass, which was published five years after Katrina.

What difference does a reader make?

For me, it was the difference between seeing myself as writer and an author. In one of her blog posts, Jami Gold, a paranormal author, said: “I am a writer because I write, but ‘author’ embodies my goals, my actions, and my attitude toward writing.  So I swallow the self-doubt that plagues most of us writers and strive to live up to the word ‘author.’ “

One reader made a difference. A life-changing difference.