“Dye-covered bank robber caught”
by Andrew Vanacore, The Times-Picayune

Tuesday July 22, 2008, 7:37 AM

MY DISCLAIMER:THIS IS NOT A POST INTENDED TO ENCOURAGE CRIMINAL ACTIVITY.

If anything speaks to the declining educational system, it’s this news story.

First, the suspect decides that 1 p.m. would be an opportune time for bank robbery. Sure, right after lunch and hours before closing. Great time. Middle of the day in the French Quarter during high tourist season. You betcha.

Next, “Ficks allegedly told a teller that if she sounded the alarm “he would shoot himself and her,” Sabrina Richardson, New Orleans Police Department spokeswoman, said. Okay, I’m not sure who ordered the pronouns in that statement, but my grammar book’s on Ficks. If he shoots himself first, unless he plans to not kill himself when he does, I’m not exactly sure how he’d carry out the second part of that plan. More importantly, why are you robbing a bank if you’re threatening to kill yourself and…YOU’RE ROBBING A BANK…who’s going to care that you’re killing yourself?

Finally, the dye explodes in the bag of money, covering one side of his head with red.Now, during Mardi Gras, no one would’ve even noticed him. But in the middle of a Monday afternoon, a wee bit obvious. Not to mention he stops to chat with someone and then heads toward CANAL STREET. That would be my plan. Escape to the main street, the busiest thoroughfare, with your red painted head and bag of money.

Understandably, anyone who chooses criminal as an occupation needs career counseling. But it’s just criminal that today’s criminals need criminal school.