DISCLAIMER: The following post, due to its scandalous and heinous material, may induce nightmares of roly-poly proportions. If you are lactose-intolerant, a decaff zealot, or own stock in Starbucks, please read at your own risk.

As reported by Courtney Hazlett of msnbc.com’s The Scoop:

De facto Starbucks spokes-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen might have a scandal on their hands. A former barista from the Olsen’s oft-frequented Starbucks in New York’s West Village allegedly used to swap out skim milk for the full-fat variety when the girls came by for their caffeine fix, reports OK! magazine.

The twins regularly ordered Grande nonfat lattes, but according to the Starbucks snitch, “the barista thought the Olsens were too thin, so whenever they ordered their usual drink, he would replace the skim milk with full-fat,” the source told the magazine.

The Olsen’s rep responded to the latte lunacy saying, “This is ridiculous.” Yes, it is, but one fellow latte-lover close to the Olsens (who requested anonymity) said that she sympathizes with the twins - to an extent. “It’s also my worst nightmare - that and getting a huge diet fountain soda that is mistakenly regular Coke - but I can def(initely) taste the difference, so it’s their own fault if they fell victim.”

I’m so relieved that school is over, so that I can closely monitor the effects of this unmitigated disaster on the Olsen twins. You can rest assured that I’m going to TIVO their appearances over the next few weeks; that way, I can freeze a frame for closer scrutiny to determine if they’ve flabbed on an ounce or two. 

Okay, the barista went too far. Who really wants their venti frappacino intentionally subverted, even if well-meaning.  Think of the whole decaff/caff switches that could cause havoc on interstates, offices, schools. Think social disasters. Think wrecked marriages.

And, God bless their little anonymous latte-lover friend whose idea of a WORST NIGHTMARE is to discover her huge fountain drink is [insert gasp here] A REGULAR COKE.

The very suggestion of that has caused me to thrash about wildly in my sleep, sometimes screaming, “NO! NO! Not Coke 100!! Coke 0!” 

WORST nightmare? Worst NIGHTMARE? 

Not the 2.5 million homeless and hungry cyclone survivors in Myanmar?

Not the 50,000 dead and the 5 million homeless from the earthquake in China?

Not the starving children in Ethiopia?

Not the soldiers in Iraq or those who live there?

Not the price of oil jumping faster than kangaroos with ADHD?

Sigh.

I’m going to bed and pray that I don’t have nightmares. About the Olsen twins and their vacuous friend.